I close my eyes and I see nothing but black. Then, little by little, I see a small sliver of light creeping across the foreground of my visual field. I look into the light and see my grandmother, but more like I see her spirit. Her physical body is distinctly different from when I last saw her lying in her casket last April. She is all-consuming light and ethereal. It seems as if she suddenly appears out of the nothingness. She is smiling and a low glow emanates from her every pore. She visits me and without saying the words lets me know that she is happy, although the word happy does not do justice to the feelings I pick up from her. In this “dream world” there is no need for words. We can speak directly to each other’s souls. She still has silvery white hair, but there is a youthfulness to her face that I never knew. She is peace personified. She is lovely in all ways that the word can possibly convey.
She comes up to me and suddenly I am mute. I can’t speak. I want to ask her so many questions, but the sheer beauty of her soul is ever-consuming my mind. I just want to bask in the feelings that are exuding from her. It’s like floating in water without any regard for sound or feeling but a hundred thousand times better. In that moment I am overwhelmed with happiness in getting to see her but I’m also filled with sadness because she is no longer here on Earth.
Before I can put two thoughts together she begins to show me how she sees me. It is like looking in the mirror, but I hardly recognize myself. The person staring back at me is beautiful. There is a spark in my eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time. What ever happened to the light within me? What caused me to lose that spark? I don’t notice the difference until I see myself. I look up and she is closer to me. Love is bubbling over as she looks at me. It is at that moment I ask her a question. “What am I going to do? I am a 40-year-old single mother with three boys?” The only words that she says to me in the entire interaction are five words. “Stay away from French men.,” she warns. She turns as if she is going to leave. “Wait!” I say. Before I can even think about what she has said, she turns around and smiles again looking behind me. I look behind me and suddenly see that there is a man who seemingly appears from nowhere. I can’t see him clearly because I don’t want to stop looking at her. I’m afraid she will leave so I only see him in my peripheral vision. He has dark hair and blue eyes. He is looking at me with unconditional love. I’m taken aback by the intensity. When he looks at me I feel vulnerable as if he can see straight to my soul. It doesn’t scare me. I feel a complete and unconditional love emanating from him to me.
She smiles at me one more time and also at the man behind me as if she approves of him or maybe she has sent him to me, I don’t know. Then she fades away and she is gone, but I don’t feel empty. There is someone else with me who loves me just as I am. I “wake” up feeling forlorn but happy that I got to see her again, if only in my dreams……
My next thought is wondering what she meant about my staying away from French men and then like a light bulb switching on it makes perfect sense. My husband is from French descent. My grandmother, when she was alive, knew about some of the problems that my husband and I have had over the years. She never said anything outright negative about him while she was alive, but I knew how she felt about him. She and I had a special connection. She didn’t have to say the words. I just knew……..
So the eternal question is, did I have a dream? was my subconscious trying to work something out during sleep and dreaming about my grandmother was simply subjective to what my mind has been trying to tell me? or…..did she visit me during sleep? Furthermore, who was the guy standing behind me? Why was he behind me? I don’t know but it doesn’t feel like a typical dream. I can remember all the details as if I really experienced it. It’s also very interesting that I spoke to her of being a single mother when in fact I am married and have been for 20 years. I suppose that maybe this “dream” will make sense at some later point in my life or then again, maybe it will always remain as a highly lucid dream……….. whatever it means – it was wonderful seeing her again, if only in my dreams.