Ramblings from an overly imaginative mind…

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Embracing Your Deepest Fears


I watched Divergent tonight at the movie theatre. There was one line in the movie that has stuck with me long after the credits rolled past. “Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up.” Oh my…..that quote sums up everything that I’ve been feeling, but had no way to express. Fear should wake me up! And in a way it has. My life has irrevocably changed in such a short amount of time. I have had to face some of my worst fears lately. The resounding mantra that plays through my head over and over is “I did it. I did it. I did it!” So…in the most visceral sense, fear did wake me up. What a feeling though. To face one’s fears and go through it in spite of the gut-churning, keep-you-up-all-night, panic-inducing feelings is an awesome feeling. Talk about a way to gain some self-confidence!

 

So….what keeps you up at night in a sheer cold sweat just thinking about that thing that you are most afraid of? What are you going to do about it? Will you let fear keep you from living the life you deserve? If you don’t feel like you deserve it, why not? What are your dreams? If you could ask a genie in a bottle for just one wish, what would it be? What if we stopped dreading our fears and began looking at them as opportunities? How will you embrace your deepest fears? Or will you?

I Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I have been….let’s say….struggling a bit for the last five years what I want to do with the rest of my life. You see, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life from the time I was around 3-4 years old. I KNEW from that young age that I would become a highly successful musician, so I started taking piano lessons at the tender age of four. Without going into my complete musical background, I’ll just say that I learned to play a few instruments growing up and then I began giving piano lessons to beginners when I was about 15. Everyone, including me, thought that I had a bright and promising future in music. From all practical perspectives that’s what should have happened, but life has a way of diverting us sometimes. I ended up giving private and group lessons to students of all ages and levels of skill for about 20 years. I taught people to play the piano and violin. I even taught some students who played instruments that I was not very proficient on myself. How? you might ask. Teaching a person to read notes and learning about rhythm and timing is universal across all instruments. Obviously, if my non-piano or non-violin student advanced beyond my scope of expertise I sent them to someone who could help them better. For the most part, I really enjoyed teaching music. I learned so much myself, but what I learned about myself along the way is that music was probably not my true calling in life. I found as time went by that I enjoyed helping and listening to people more than actually teaching them about note values and theory.

Very early on in my music teaching career, I became more of a Counselor than a Teacher. People told me all sorts of things that I’m sure that they didn’t tell everyone else. I learned that people were not really who they presented themselves to the world. Most people project an illusion, a make-believe version of themselves. They do it for all kinds of reasons. I suppose that all of us have done it at one time or another. I became privy to the most intimate thoughts and feelings of many of my students and most of the time they had nothing to do with music. For instance, one of my students divulged to me about her husband’s alcohol abuse and his subsequent physical and emotional abuse of her and their children when he was drunk. Another student told me about her parents’ fights after her father became abusive due to alcohol and drugs. Others would tell me about their problems and their worries, their everyday struggles. Sometimes 15-20 minutes would go by and we would realize that the student hadn’t played one note on their instrument. Many people told me over the years about how easy it was for them to talk to me and after talking with me they felt better about themselves. I ended up becoming their Counselor/Life Coach way more than a Music Teacher. I used to wonder why so many people came to me when I had just as many problems as they did, but then sometimes I realized how fortunate my life had been compared to theirs.

It is true that I was gifted with a talent for music, but it isn’t my calling. I’ve always hated performing in front of people and trust me, I’ve performed ALOT. It has never gotten easier. In some ways as I’ve gotten older, it feels like the pre-performance nerves have gotten worse. I do enjoy playing music with others and I don’t mind recording music too much, but put me up in front a bunch of people and I freeze. I have to remind myself to breathe. My fingers feel like they don’t want to move, feel like they are two sizes too big and clumsy.

Now it has taken me many years to finally get to the point where I am pretty confident in knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I have had some diversions along the way. The worst one was when I decided that I was going to become an Insurance Sales Producer. Haha! I was the absolute worst producer ever. My boss at the State Farm Agency that I worked at told me that she didn’t think insurance sales was for me and I needed to reconsider my choice of career. I had never felt more relieved in my life when that job ended. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess that’s just it…..I wasn’t thinking.

So, after all the hurdles I’ve gone through in this last year alone, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to help people. I want to be an advocate for those who need help. I feel like I have something to contribute. I can definitely think outside the proverbial box and I’m always up for a challenge. I want to help people who specifically find themselves with health challenges. After being there for my Dad as he received his cancer diagnosis and my Mom when she received her Lupus diagnosis, I realized that there are so many others out there who are going through similar, if not worse, situations. Personally, I have gone through many ups and downs with my own health over the last 10 years. So I did something about it and had weight loss surgery four weeks ago today, (if you want to read more about that, here’s the link: http://curvygirlunleashed.wordpress.com/).

Within the last two years, my grandmother died from Pneumonia and also from a broken heart. Her middle son died just 6 weeks before her and he had lived with her his entire life. He had suffered from several health problems for many years. There have been five family members that I know of that have died due to complications of Diabetes. Many other family members who are still living are having to deal with checking their blood glucose levels everyday and to adjust their medications accordingly. Although it seems that my family is unfortunate enough to have bad genes when it comes to Diabetes, the disease is mostly preventable by changing one’s diet and exercising.

My personal challenge now is to figure out how to help those who are struggling with their health. Lately I’ve been looking into becoming a health coach. I’ve decided that I will not fret over the details. I have learned enough in life to learn to trust my intuition and let Providence lead the way. So now that I’ve shared what my hopes are, what are yours? Are you living the life you want? If not, what can you do to change that? Does anyone else know what your greatest desire is?

For any of you that may be interested, I have another blog on here that is specifically about my weight loss journey. Here is the link: http://curvygirlunleashed.wordpress.com/

 

HolyShilistic!

HolyShilitic! I’m going holistic…………

The more I read about the holistic lifestyle the more I want to say “sign me up!” I’ve wondered for years about the crap that I put into my body even when I’m trying to eat healthily. For instance: did you know that antibacterial soap is probably worse for you than the bacteria that it kills? It’s true. It kills bacteria, not viruses. It not only kills potentially harmful bacteria but all the good bacteria that our bodies need. So what’s the purpose of killing off good bacteria that could possibly help our immune systems when we come into contact with a virus, such as the common cold? Information like this amazes me and prompts me to make changes in my own life. I am not saying that you, the reader, has to jump on the bandwagon and join me. To each their own is my motto. I’m considering this for me and my family. If you think that holistic living is a bunch of crap, then you probably wouldn’t want to continue reading this post. Thanks for stopping by!

My reasons for wanting to live a more holistic lifestyle is based upon my personally witnessing very sick family members who maybe would have had a better quality of life if they had tweaked their diet a bit or maybe got up off the couch every once in a while and did some physical activity outside. I don’t know….maybe it’s bad genes. I, in no way shape or form, am passing any judgement on anyone. Trust me, I know a thing or two about eating crappy food and being sedentary. I have held the Sedentary title for many years. Just call me Queen Sedentary! To be honest with you, I didn’t even consider changing my lifestyle in any way until I was prompted to make changes after receiving questionable blood test results at the doctor’s office a few years ago. Yet, for most of us, fear is what precipitates change.

So……on with this whole topic of holistic-ness…….Just what is this word “holistic,” what does it mean exactly? Well, Mr.Webster defines it thusly: being concerned with wholes or with complete systems rather than with the analysis of and treatment of parts of a system. Basically, look at the whole body rather than its singular parts. Modern western medicine tends to dissect the body when diagnosing and treating disease.

Let’s take the word “dis-ease” and look at its meaning as well. Disease – any deviation from or interruption of the normal structure or function of any body part, organ, or system that is manifested by a characteristic set of symptoms and signs and whose etiology, pathology, and prognosis may be known or unknown. Basically it means any change from the norm.

Now before I get truly technical sounding here, ( I promise there are no more vocabulary words to learn in this post), holistic living simply means that treating, maintaining, or adapting certain practices in one’s lifestyle can produce an overall better quality of life for the whole body, mind and soul. I have been fortunate to have met and had in-depth conversations with people of other cultures throughtout my life. It has been an eye-opening experience for me, but I’ve always been a very curious type of person. I’m usually not satisfied with one answer to a question. I have to research the crap out of it and super complicate everything in my life. It’s my greatest flaw….well, aside from stubbornness.

As I’ve gotten older I have become more conscious of what kind of “footprint” I’m leaving behind for the next person. I hate using that word “footprint” but it’s the only one I can think of right now. Some might ask, “why bother?” My question is, “why not?”

I’ve decided that I will implement some type of holistic approach into my life everyday. Today, I did something very insignificant to most of you, but it’s a start. I found a recipe on the internet to make foaming hand soap. I refuse to buy antibacterial soap any more for my family to use. To be completely frugal, however, I have taken all the scrap pieces of soap that get so small that no one wants to use them anymore, and melted them down and now there is one huge glob of chemical-laden commercial soap sitting in a mold. I know, I know…..baby steps People, baby steps. I have to be practical. I’ve been using said soap for years so a few more days aren’t going to cause me to lose sleep. However, before the soap supply diminishes completely I am going to make some organic, homemade soap for the Fam to use. Hopefully their skin will thank me one day.

I have tweaked the recipe a bit. I can’t take complete credit for this, but here is the recipe:

Hand Soap

Distilled or boiled water.

Liquid Castille Soap or whatever organic soap base you can find.

1/2 teaspoon olive, almond or coconut oil.

Essential oils – I like lavender, but you use whatever you want or leave it unscented.

Instructions:

Fill a soap dispenser with water to about 1 inch from the top. Add about 2 tablespoons of liquid castille soap to the water mixture. Then add the olive, almond or coconut oil. Add essential oils of your choosing. Cover the top of the dispenser and shake. Use at your discretion.

As soon as I make my own. I will post a photo. Hopefully, you will become so inspired by the above that you will run out and start making your own hand soap. It’s healthier for you AND cheaper to make. Your bank account will thank you.

So, that’s about enough for today. That’s all I’ve got peeps!

Until next time……Peace & Love, may you find it, embrace it and spread it around!

 

So What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve asked myself this question, I would be ONE rich woman! My problem isn’t that I don’t have any ideas. My problem is that I want to do everything in this one life and there is no possible way I will be able to do everything, but then again, I am not one who backs down from a challenge. If there is such a thing as karma, it’s like somehow someway I have determined that this is my last life and I had better make it count. I’ve got to squeeze everything I’ve ever wanted to do in this current life. To be honest, I really have tried many things, but there are so many more I can’t wait to try. So what’s next?

I recently came upon a post on YouTube about finding your passion and pursuing it as a career. I can’t remember her name, but what she had to say made so much sense to me. She explained that finding one’s passion can be as simple as looking to the thing/things that have caused one to stumble or struggle. The idea is that if you have had to struggle with something in your life and you have overcome it then you definitely have the makings of finding your passion of what to do with your life. Obviously, if you are the sort of person that enjoys helping others then this method is perfect, but what about all of you out there who feels as if you want to do something a little more self-centered. There is nothing wrong with doing something that makes only you happy. “To each their own” is my motto. I happen to be more philanthropically inclined. Wow – say that three times!

Finding one’s passion is only relative to the person who is searching said passion. What makes my heart skip a beat is most likely something that is completely different from yours, as it should be. What would the world be like if all of us were alike? Pretty boring, in my humble opinion. I don’t happen to think that all of us are completely bereft of ideas. I think the overall problem is lack of self-confidence to really put forth an effort in pursuing one’s passion. So why are there so many people walking around with such low self-esteem? And, why do others seem to have an abundance? Does the answer stem from the whole nurture versus nature discussion? I don’t know.

Human behavior is something that intrigues me greatly. I have been a silent watcher of people my entire life. For whatever reason, I developed an uncanny sense of interpreting body language and all the other little nuances of non-verbal communication from a very early age. Some who are very close to me have explained that they believe I am a “Sensitive.” Yeah, I know, some of you really don’t believe in all that psycho mumbo jumbo. Neither did I. So many weird things have happened around me my entire life that I’ve finally gotten to the point where I just observe what happens without judging it first. Most so-called “supernatural” occurrences can be explained logically and rationally.  A very small percentage of instances can actually be considered paranormal in nature. However, I digress. Back to the original topic.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

1. Do you want to do something to give back to society? Consider becoming a Nurse, Doctor or Teacher. Or find a career in Social Work.

2. Look at your hobbies. What do you spend all your free time doing? Is painting your thing? Why not pursue Art. Photography? Develop whatever your interests and hobbies are into a profitable business?

3. Do you love the outdoors and can’t wait to spend every waking moment outside? How about becoming a tour guide? A survival expert? Open an outfitter store?

4. Do you love to work with your hands? Become a Designer or a Car Mechanic or a Carpenter.

5. Do you daydream about creating a better world through recycling and eco-friendly  sustainable energy? Go to school and learn all about Environmental Science and all the ways that you can make a difference in this emerging field.

6. Are you more of an inside person? Computers your thing? Become a Web Designer or a Systems Analyst or a Software Engineer.

7. Are you highly creative? Become an Author, Actor, Artist or Professional Musician.

Whatever your heart’s desire – do it! Don’t think about what anyone else is doing. Be your own person and don’t ever allow anyone else to squash your dreams. Do yourself a favor and never compare yourself to anyone else. We are all different and all of us have something to contribute, however big or small. Who says that you have to do something BIG? I really believe that each of us have some talent or innate skill that we can build upon and master and then share with the world. My Mother always told me as a child, “whatever you do in life, do your best. Don’t be lazy and don’t expect anyone else to do for you what you can do for yourself.” Wise words indeed.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

 

Lucid Dreaming

I close my eyes and I see nothing but black. Then, little by little, I see a small sliver of light creeping across the foreground of my visual field. I look into the light and see my grandmother, but more like I see her spirit. Her physical body is distinctly different from when I last saw her lying in her casket last April. She is all-consuming light and ethereal. It seems as if she suddenly appears out of the nothingness. She is smiling and a low glow emanates from her every pore. She visits me and without saying the words lets me know that she is happy, although the word happy does not do justice to the feelings I pick up from her. In this “dream world” there is no need for words. We can speak directly to each other’s souls. She still has silvery white hair, but there is a youthfulness to her face that I never knew. She is peace personified. She is lovely in all ways that the word can possibly convey.

She comes up to me and suddenly I am mute. I can’t speak. I want to ask her so many questions, but the sheer beauty of her soul is ever-consuming my mind. I just want to bask in the feelings that are exuding from her. It’s like floating in water without any regard for sound or feeling but a hundred thousand times better. In that moment I am overwhelmed with happiness in getting to see her but I’m also filled with sadness because she is no longer here on Earth.

Before I can put two thoughts together she begins to show me how she sees me. It is like looking in the mirror, but I hardly recognize myself. The person staring back at me is beautiful. There is a spark in my eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time. What ever happened to the light within me? What caused me to lose that spark? I don’t notice the difference until I see myself. I look up and she is closer to me. Love is bubbling over as she looks at me. It is at that moment I ask her a question. “What am I going to do? I am a 40-year-old single mother with three boys?” The only words that she says to me in the entire interaction are five words. “Stay away from French men.,” she warns. She turns as if she is going to leave. “Wait!” I say. Before I can even think about what she has said, she turns around and smiles again looking behind me. I look behind me and suddenly see that there is a man who seemingly appears from nowhere. I can’t see him clearly because I don’t want to stop looking at her. I’m afraid she will leave so I only see him in my peripheral vision. He has dark hair and blue eyes. He is looking at me with unconditional love. I’m taken aback by the intensity. When he looks at me I feel vulnerable as if he can see straight to my soul. It doesn’t scare me. I feel a complete and unconditional love emanating from him to me.

She smiles at me one more time and also at the man behind me as if she approves of him or maybe she has sent him to me, I don’t know. Then she fades away and she is gone, but I don’t feel empty. There is someone else with me who loves me just as I am. I “wake” up feeling forlorn but happy that I got to see her again, if only in my dreams……

My next thought is wondering what she meant about my staying away from French men and then like a light bulb switching on it makes perfect sense. My husband is from French descent. My grandmother, when she was alive,  knew about some of the problems that my husband and I have had over the years. She never said anything outright negative about him while she was alive, but I knew how she felt about him. She and I had a special connection. She didn’t have to say the words. I just knew……..

So the eternal question is, did I have a dream? was my subconscious trying to work something out during sleep and dreaming about my grandmother was simply subjective to what my mind has been trying to tell me? or…..did she visit me during sleep? Furthermore, who was the guy standing behind me? Why was he behind me? I don’t know but it doesn’t feel like a typical dream. I can remember all the details as if I really experienced it. It’s also very interesting that I spoke to her of being a single mother when in fact I am married and have been for 20 years. I suppose that maybe this “dream” will make sense at some later point in my life or then again, maybe it will always remain as a highly lucid dream……….. whatever it means – it was wonderful seeing her again, if only in my dreams.

The Gods Will Always Smile On the Brave Women

In last night’s History Channel’s Vikings episode, Blood Eagle, Siggy visits the seer explaining that she wants her power and position back. She has become heavy with bitterness and hatred towards Ragnar Lothbrok, her dead husband’s killer and now subsequent Earl of Kattegat. The seer tells her that “the gods will always smile on the brave women.”  Siggy mistakenly took his words to mean that she should continue on her quest to regain everything that she once had by whatever means necessary. She is not inherently brave so she didn’t understand the seer’s words, to her ultimate detriment. I think Rollo will finally rid himself of the albatross hanging around his neck, Siggy, once he discovers her latest treachery.

Siggy has proven time and again to be a conniving, deceitful bitch. Her only resolve in life is to watch Ragnar Lothbrok fall. She has orchestrated lies, deceit and has plotted brother against brother for several years. Although Rollo clearly does not love her I believe that he, at the very least, feels affection for her. Siggy has proven to put on a good act to get what she wants. In the first season when Lagertha loses her unborn child I can’t help but think that Siggy had something to do with it. In this week’s episode, Blood Eagle, she proved just how far she is willing to go to get what she wants. I don’t believe that she is capable of loving anyone but herself. To sleep with King Horrik’s son proved that she has no principles and is of weak character.

Lagertha, on the other hand, has the strength of character to rival any man . What agony that must have been for Rollo to know that he could never have had Lagertha’s love and devotion for him as she has for his brother, Ragnar. In the first season of Vikings, Rollo expressed his feelings towards Lagertha in the way that only Rollo could do. He was very direct in letting her know of his desire for her. I don’t know if it’s just me, but for the merest of seconds it looked like Lagertha relished the thought. She didn’t come right out and rebuff instantly at first. Maybe she allowed herself to “remember” him in that way, but then the moment passed and she let him know in no uncertain terms to back off. He seemed to have great respect for her. I think Rollo recognizes that only someone like Lagertha could ever hold claim to his heart.

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Also in this week’s episode, Blood Eagle, I think that Rollo finally figured out what a “ho” Siggy has been all along. It will be interesting to see where she ends up in the next episode. I was so glad to see that Lagertha finally enacted revenge on her abusive, alcoholic husband Sigvard. I knew from reading about Lagertha in history that she would eventually kill him. I was eagerly anticipating how his demise would come about. I knew, however, that when she left Bjorn with his father Ragnar that no good could come from her going back to Sigvard. He had beaten her before. As every woman knows, ‘if he hits you once, he’ll hit you again.” One can only imagine how desperate Lagertha must have felt to have ended up with someone like Sigvard anyway. How on earth did he convince her to marry him in the first place? It was very apparent in this week’s episode, Blood Eagle, when Sigvard announces in front of everyone that Lagertha will be sleeping by herself, he has made other plans. He was clearly the culprit behind his wife’s attack. What a coward! I don’t understand why Lagertha felt she had to go back to him in the first place. Yes, she explained to Ragnar that she had responsibilities to her husband Sigvard, but her heart was clearly not in it. Lagertha is a very proud woman and in this week’s episode her pride was her own downfall.

It is apparent that Lagertha still loves Ragnar, but what’s a woman to do when her husband won’t put aside the other woman? Albeit, the other woman, Princess Aslaug, has given Ragnar the sons that he so craved. In the first season of Vikings, Ragnar appeared to be the kind of man who held his family in the highest regard. Family meant everything to him. He already had a farm and a beautiful family but it wasn’t enough for him. He wanted more. I suppose his greatest sin would be greed. He couldn’t settle for what abundance he already had and throughout his choices he almost lost it all. He did lose Lagertha. He lost his son Bjorn for a few years. He lost his original farm and in this season his lost his Earldom for a brief time to Jarl Borg. In last season’s episodes Ragnar really looked like he was the “better” brother, but with each passing episode Rollo looked better and better to me. It took Rollo a while to figure out what kind of man that he wanted to be. Often times it takes something tragic to happen before one finds their true destiny.

I can’t help but wonder if there was something more between Lagertha and Rollo before the first episode of the first season. For instance, why was Ragnar so obsessed with having sons? He already had a son, Bjorn. Or did he? Was Bjorn only Lagertha’s son? If so, who was Bjorn’s father? Could he have been Rollo’s son?

I can’t wait for next week’s episode. There are only four episodes left in the season. At some point Rollo will leave and go on to become the first Duke of Normandy,(according to the history books). I wonder how that event will enfold in the series. Will Lagertha go back to Ragnar and Bjorn? What about Princess Aslaug? It seems that all she has ever done is complain. Ragnar must concede to his current wife’s demands if he wants her to keep popping out sons – the sons he MUST have! Will Siggy leave with King Horrik and become his whore by marriage? Will Bjorn keep the servant girl for himself? What will happen to Jarl Borg? Will Ragnar really give him a “blood eagle?” Finally, let’s not forget Athelstan. He seems to be having some kind of mental breakdown. I wonder if he’s suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Will he and Ragnar ever meet back up? Furthermore, I think King Ecbert has more up his sleeve for Athelstan other than just simply using him to translate some old documents. Then again, maybe not.

I AM sure of one thing about this show – it seems that those who have risen to great power are more than just a bit nuts; such as Jarl Borg and the skeletal head of his dead wife that he carries around with him everywhere. King Ecbert and his Roman bath. What else does he do in that big bathtub and with whom? King Horrik and his crazy antics? Remember when they went to Uppsala? I don’t understand one of the scenes of the episode, Sacrifice. After a night of orgiastic revelry and some psychedic mushroom consumption everyone finally passes out including the priests. The next morning King Horrik carries a chicken into the sanctuary and throws the flapping and squawking into the hall where the priests have fell asleep. What was that all about? Ragnar and his need for MORE, MORE, MORE….Rollo seemingly wanting only to step out of the shadow of his big brother Ragnar. Rollo seems to really enjoy violence. As much as Ragnar wants to be famous and pass around his prodigious seed to any and all who would carry a precious son for him, Rollo relishes  violence and battle. He has alot of pent-up anger and frustration. He often takes it out on the slave women. However, I don’t think he enjoys that as much as slicing open someone’s skull with that huge ax of his.

Maybe that’s why I love this show so much. I can totally relate to all the characters. All of them have some sort of flaw. Some larger than others. Some of them are downright batshit crazy! However I must confess: Rollo has been my favorite character since the very beginning. Oh, don’t get me wrong, Ragnar is hot, but the level of someone’s “hotness” is not always indicative of their true character. For some strange reason of my own, I don’t trust a man who smiles all the time like Ragnar Lothbrok. It’s as if he’s always scheming and planning behind that enigmatic smile. Rollo is just simply Rollo. He’s not hard to figure out. He is what he is. Even through his brutality there is an honesty about who he is. I keep looking for some redeeming quality in him. I thought it was interesting in this week’s episode, Blood Eagle, where he stops one of Ragnar’s men from harming Jarl Borg’s wife while the others are beating up Jarl Borg. “It’s not necessary,” he quietly says. That deadly stare stops the guy from doing any harm to her. Rollo is definitely enjoying watching Jarl Borg get the shit beat out of him. Will he claim Jarl Borg’s wife for his own in the remaining episodes? He also questions Jarl Borg’s fairness to his wife while Borg is stroking and kissing his dead wife’s skull earlier in the episode. There again, Rollo definitely has a penchant for violence, but what woman during that time wouldn’t want a man who could be as vicious as Rollo? The world was not a peaceful place at the time of this story. Yes, survival was contingent upon the adaptability of change, but it was also a time of survival of the fittest.

 

To Thine Own Self Be True……….Let Your Light Shine!

Why has it taken me half of my lifetime to realize who I really am, what makes me happy and what I want to do with the rest of my life? You know what the bitch of it all is? I KNEW years ago the answers to these questions. I KNEW……….but I didn’t trust the answers. I didn’t trust that my 20-year-old mind could possibly understand the seemingly complex answer to the eternal question, “who am I.” Why did I have to take something so dirt simple and turn into a monstrous mud pie? Was it really necessary to slip and slide through the muck of confusion and indecision? Apparently so. I’ve always been a person who has had to learn everything the hard way. I don’t know why. I guess I’m just too stubborn for my own good. So what the crap am I talking about, you might ask?

Here it is – I’m going to say these few words OUT LOUD, so to speak. I am a Musician and Artist. There, I said it. Saying the musician part is easy for me. I have been playing music since around the age of four. It’s a part of my identity. It’s who I am. The artist part still feels foreign to my own ears. Why? I don’t know. Lack of self-confidence? Uhhh….yeah. A big ‘ole HELL YEAH! It’s like I’ve come full circle and I didn’t need to. I could have just continued on in the same direction, in a straight line, instead going in zig-zags throughout my life. If only………..So why am I saying all this to myself and especially to you? If you get nothing else from this long, drawn out tirade, please know this….trust yourself. TRUST YOURSELF. Trust that still small voice….trust your heart. Trust your intuition.

What do you daydream about? What is it that gets your heart racing with excitement? What soothes you? What calms you? What feels “right?” If you were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing you could not live without? What is it that makes you forget everything and everyone in the world for hours on end and when you next look up you realize several hours have passed and you never even realized it? What gets your blood boiling, ( in a good way)? What keeps you up at night? What do you secretly dream about doing, but you are too afraid of rejection? Whatever that “something” is, DO IT. Even though you are afraid or you think that now is not the right time, DO IT. Work towards doing the “thing” that scares you the most. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of failure or are you afraid of success? Don’t wait around until everything falls perfectly in place because it never will. Don’t wait until you have everyone’s approval and blessing. You will never make everyone happy with your decisions. The only person that you should worry about making happy is you. If you are not happy and are only trudging along in life in a state of existence you are denying yourself of happiness and contentment. How would you react to someone who went around telling you that you were stupid all day? How would you feel if someone followed you everywhere you went throughout every day of life telling you that you are not worthy enough to have what makes you happy? What if every time you began to allow hope to swell within your heart someone came along and told you that you were crazy and you will never amount to anything? You would want to hit  them, right? You would want to tell them to go away from you? You would be really angry, right? If you wouldn’t allow others to talk or treat you in that way then why do you let the voices inside your head say those things to you all the time? Why do defeat yourself before your idea has even fully manifested as a simple statement of declaration?

I think that if each one of us were to embrace ourselves just as we are, shout it from the rooftops what our innate talents and skills are and walk around in a state of bliss all day long everyday dreaming up ways to let our light shine…….how much easier would it be to get through each day? What if we stopped judging others? When we judge others aren’t we just simply recognizing our own shortcomings within that person? Instead of trying to fix others’ flaws as a reflection of our external selves, what if we were to look internally first and repair the broken parts within? I suppose that is the eternal question. How do when reconcile the inner and outer most parts of ourselves to create a happy and healthy whole? That is a question that you alone can only answer.

Let your light shine! Peace and Love! May you find it, embrace it and spread it around!

 

 

 

 

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