Beauty In All Its Flawed Perfections

I’m embarrassed to admit that I have spent almost a year researching the concept of seasonal color analysis. I had my “colors” evaluated back in the 80’s and was told that I was a Winter. At the time, it was a fun experience with each of us in our small group at a home party sitting in front of our own personal mirrors, head covered with a towel and NO makeup on. Each of us were draped with swatches of solid colors and then the group helped determine what colors looked the best on each other. The goal was to learn our individual Season to help determine what color of clothing, makeup and even hair color looked the best for each person to wear. As a teenager I took the information to heart and dressed in my Winter colors for the next 20 years, which meant I wore black and white, and jewel-tone colors such as sapphire, emerald, fuchsia, royal purple and ruby-red. Back then, there were only four seasons that a person could be: Spring, Summer, Autumn and/or Winter.

Looking back, the entire philosophy is flawed. Supposedly, if you had any warmth to your skin, eyes or hair you were automatically placed in the Spring or Autumn Seasons, which are the warm seasons. You can theoretically wear all the warm colors, such as yellows, golds, rusts, oranges, browns, olive greens, beige, warm purples and so forth.And, if you had cooler skin, eye color or hair color then you were automatically placed in the cooler seasons of either Winter or Summer. You could theoretically again, wear blues, purples, cooler greens, black, navy, white and on and on. Simply look at a color wheel that artists use you can see the difference of warm colors versus cool colors. Warm colors have either yellow or gold added to them while cool color have either blue or gray added. Every color can have either white, black or gray added depending on the saturation of color that you desire. It’s a very simple concept, but flawed and maybe worked half the time for half of the people analyzed. This system applies to art, but cannot be applied to individuals all the time. We are a combination of all colors. Most of us have cool AND warm tones in our skin, hair and eye colors. I think that most of us have a few certain colors that we instinctively are attracted to. Those are probably your best colors to wear. However, wearing your best colors also depends upon how wearing that color makes you feel. In my humble opinion, that is the best way I can describe color analysis in the simplest of ways. It’s not rocket science no matter who tries to tell you different. What I remember most about the experience back in the 80’s is that it was an afternoon of fun with some friends and family members playing “dress up.”Fast forward to modern times and the seasonal color system has exploded into a huge, profitable business. There are so many different “systems” out there to help one determine what season is best. What started out as 4 seasons have now become 16! I won’t go into the particular systems available. You can Google “seasonal color analysis” and find page after exhausting page explaining all the different methods. Some are very easy to understand, but most are confusing and conflicting with other systems. And, of course, in order to get detailed information about your personal color analysis, most systems or methods out there charge money for said information.

I suppose I should have prefaced this post with the reason for my most impassioned interest in this endeavor. Last year I began the process for having weight loss surgery in which I was finally able to accomplish in May, 2014. Since then I have lost a substantial amount of weight and with each lost pound I had become more and more obsessed with trying to look my very best. I had weight loss surgery a few months after I turned 40 years old. The combination of turning 40 and having weight loss surgery sent me into a whirlwind of self-doubt. I have had so much time to think and analyse and drive myself nuts. After all, I don’t spend my waking hours thinking about food anymore. Anyway, back to the original vein of thought………..I have finally come to the conclusion that seasonal color analysis can be a great starting point for those who don’t have a clue about colors, which honestly, I think is a small percentage of women. For the rest of us, I think that we should stop listening to the media about what is beautiful. We should trust our own instincts and wear what makes each of us, individually, feel beautiful and energized. Are you drawn to a certain color? Then wear it if it makes you feel good about yourself. I tried so hard to put myself into a category over the last year. I drove myself crazy along with everyone else around me. Am I a Soft Summer or am I a Light Spring or could I even be a Bright Winter? I took countless pictures of myself in natural light, subdued light, with and without makeup on. I took close-up pictures of my eyes. However, I DID discover what my correct eye color is. That experiment was actually quite interesting. For years I thought my eye color was light green and it even says that on my driver’s license, but they are actually light gray with yellow-gold flecks. The outer rims are charcoal gray and steel-blue. I even have some amber and periwinkle flecks in there as well. That’s pretty cool! Still yet, how would I describe what color my eyes are? I’ll just stick with light green. After all, blue-ish+yellow=green. I consider myself lucky in the fact that my eye color changes depending on what colors I wear. Sometimes they are gray or blue or green. I like that.

After an enormous amount of time sitting in front of my computer reading every article available about seasonal color analysis, I have finally come to the conclusion that this philosophy, for the most part, preys upon the insecurities of us women. Why would any of us want to add yet another label to who we are as individuals? Are we not more than our outer appearance? If the first thought of how we express ourselves to others is based upon a particular method of color analysis or energy profiling that someone invented based upon an opinion, not fact, then how can we possibly express our authentic inner beauty to the world? Are we only valuable if we are pleasing to look at? If so, then what happens when our beauty fades as it surely will in our elder years? Will we no longer have any value? Personally, I think that we have to stop marginalizing ourselves and buying into the idea that we are only worthy if we are beautiful to look at. Beauty comes from within. It is that life-force that exudes unconditional love to others. A seemingly plain woman can become most beautiful by her smile, her kindness and her warmth extended to others. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway, right?

I confess that I fell victim to the whole idea and wasted many hours trying to make myself fit into a mold. During the course of this last year, I learned more about myself while researching color analysis that actually had nothing to do with color analysis itself. I learned that even at the age of 40 I still bought into the idea that my worth is based upon what I look like. Fortunately, I have finally transcended that thought process and have begun to break free of such confining methodology. Now, I most desire freedom. Freedom from feeling like I have to prescribe to other’s ideas that are based upon making women feel even more insecure about themselves. How many of us have fallen victim to all the hype surrounding the definition of beauty? How many of us have voluntarily surrendered our self-esteem while blindly trusting “experts” to tell us how we should feel and look and express ourselves? You can’t fake authenticity. That is what we are doing when we allow someone else to take the reins of our true nature.

I do understand that wearing certain colors can make one feel a bit more energized, but I think that has more to do with how each of us react to color and our mood at the time. We, as women, are a moody bunch. Our hormones cause to act and react in all kinds of ways as they are constantly changing. So how in the world are we supposed to only wear certain colors all the time? We are not static and unchanging. Sometimes we might want to blend in with the wallpaper in our gray outfit and other times we might to feel sexy in leopard-print leggings. The point is – do what makes YOU feel good and happy and energized. Unless you are truly clueless, don’t give your money and self-esteem over to someone who claims to know what will make you look the best or feel the happiest. Trust yourself. Let your intuition guide you to make the best choices of what colors to wear. You know YOU the best! Be your own kind of Beautiful!

Here are some great quotes from beautiful women – enjoy!

“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together” – Elizabeth Taylor

“To all the girls who think you’re ugly because you’re not a size 0, you’re the beautiful one. Society is ugly!” – Marilyn Monroe

“Beauty is how you feel inside and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” – Sophia Loren

“Happy girls are the prettiest.” – Audrey Hepburn

“I know who I am. I am not perfect. I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I’m one of them.” – Mary J. Blige

And from a few good men:

“My Mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my Mother. I attribute all my successes in life to the moral, intellectual, and physical education I received to her.” – George Washington

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” – Confucius

“Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariable excites the sensitive soul to tears.” – Edgar Allen Poe


What IF………

The day started out quite atypical for a November day in the Southern U.S. The weather can be unpredictable here, but this fall has been the coldest and snowiest we’ve had in at least 20 years. I love these kinds of days, though. These are the days when I have a perfect excuse to be lazy and content lounging on the sofa watching a favorite movie on TV with a perfect cup of tea. It’s too cold to get out and we have something here called black ice on the roadways which makes it dangerous to travel. It has snowed off and on all day. I’ve admired the view out my front living room window; the leaves on the trees are gold and red. The mountains beyond are laced with snow atop them. The sky is milky white as snowflakes fall lazily from the sky. The air is brisk and there is a hush in the air…………..until my neighbor starts up his loud, obnoxious lawnmower. It’s the middle of November, right around 28 degrees outside and he is mowing his yard – in the snow. I really don’t understand it.

Usually, a miasma of thoughts swirl around inside my head going 90 miles an hour. I have one thought and before I can think about it further another comes to mind and then another, and another, until I’m exhausted from thinking too much. One day, as an experiment, I decided to write down everything that I was thinking to clear my mind. I got to 40 different thoughts and stopped writing. 40!!! I had 40 different ideas and thoughts rolling around inside my mind. Some were more urgent than others and some were lurking in the back of my mind getting ready to be forgotten entirely. Sometimes it’s great being the “idea” person, but alot of the time it’s annoying. My mind gets so full sometimes that I have to take a nap or disengage by reading a book or playing music. Here lately I’ve begun using exercise as a way to get outside of my head for a while. Avoidance doesn’t always work and sometimes I just go with it and let the ideas flow while doing nothing more than lying on the couch drinking tea. This morning was no different except the thoughts that came through were pretty amazing. I call them moments of clarity. This was my moment of clarity this morning, as follows:

If each of us human beings are nothing more than energy and energy cannot be destroyed, but can only take a different form, what happens when we die? Do we come back through another form, (human body), to this plane of existence? Or do we move on? When my grandmother died last year I looked at her dead body lying in the casket. Her physical body looked beautiful in death. She looked much younger in death than I ever remembered seeing her. She was almost 97 years old when she died. But, as I looked upon her form in death I realized that all I was looking at was a shell. The essence of her was not there. It moved on, but to where? And in what form, if any?

I grew up in the Pentecostal faith as a small child and teenager so I know all about what the Holy Bible says about life after death from the charismatic Christian viewpoint. I’ve been attending a Catholic mission off and on for the last year or so and I’ve studied their beliefs as well. In fact, I’ve studied just about every major religion, practice and ritual out there. Religion and philosophy fascinate me. So combine what I’ve learned from birth to all the different ideas I’ve read about along the way to the notion of Purgatory from the Catholics and the thoughts began flooding into my mind this morning. What if this life on Earth as we know is some kind of Purgatory? What if this life is for all of us to learn and grow before we move on? What if instead of Purgatory being a thing that happens after death for some, what if we are experiencing it now? Were we energy before we were born into this physical form we call our bodies? If energy cannot be destroyed, but can only take a different form then does our energy continue on? And to where? And, furthermore, do any of us get to choose what form our energy takes? Are we reborn over and over again as the Hindus believe? Were we with God before birth as some followers of the Latter-Day Saints believe? Do we pass on into a spiritual world and come to visit loved ones from time to time as certain well-known psychics believe? Or do the Transcendentalists have the right idea concerning organized religion as corrupting the purity of each person? What if all the major religions have a portion of it right? Why does religion have a role in this thought anyway? What if it’s as simple as energy continues on, regardless of shape or form, to infinity? What if our energy, the essence of who we are as individuals, is like space? What if all of our energies just keep expanding and growing on and on? What then? What if there is no exact answer or explanation? It is what it is?

I realize that some of you reading this may feel the need to correct my current implied belief systems about life after death. Some of you believe that life just ceases to exist and that’s it. That’s fine by me. Each person is entitled to their own opinion. I suppose my questions and meanderings have more to do with my trying to make sense of all the information I’ve read. Some of it from very conflicting viewpoints. Or maybe I’ve simply had too much time on my hands today and I need to get up and get moving. Whatever the reason, I hope this post has been at least thought provoking in some way. At this point in my life, I have way more “what if?” scenarios running around inside my mind than definite answers. Maybe it’s because I am realizing that a) I’m getting closer to death due to my having had a recent birthday and/or b) life is fleeting and we really don’t have much time in this physical form on this Earth for very long. Eighty to ninety years is nothing compared to infinity.

Embracing Your Deepest Fears

I watched Divergent tonight at the movie theatre. There was one line in the movie that has stuck with me long after the credits rolled past. “Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up.” Oh my…..that quote sums up everything that I’ve been feeling, but had no way to express. Fear should wake me up! And in a way it has. My life has irrevocably changed in such a short amount of time. I have had to face some of my worst fears lately. The resounding mantra that plays through my head over and over is “I did it. I did it. I did it!” So…in the most visceral sense, fear did wake me up. What a feeling though. To face one’s fears and go through it in spite of the gut-churning, keep-you-up-all-night, panic-inducing feelings is an awesome feeling. Talk about a way to gain some self-confidence!


So….what keeps you up at night in a sheer cold sweat just thinking about that thing that you are most afraid of? What are you going to do about it? Will you let fear keep you from living the life you deserve? If you don’t feel like you deserve it, why not? What are your dreams? If you could ask a genie in a bottle for just one wish, what would it be? What if we stopped dreading our fears and began looking at them as opportunities? How will you embrace your deepest fears? Or will you?

I Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I have been….let’s say….struggling a bit for the last five years what I want to do with the rest of my life. You see, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life from the time I was around 3-4 years old. I KNEW from that young age that I would become a highly successful musician, so I started taking piano lessons at the tender age of four. Without going into my complete musical background, I’ll just say that I learned to play a few instruments growing up and then I began giving piano lessons to beginners when I was about 15. Everyone, including me, thought that I had a bright and promising future in music. From all practical perspectives that’s what should have happened, but life has a way of diverting us sometimes. I ended up giving private and group lessons to students of all ages and levels of skill for about 20 years. I taught people to play the piano and violin. I even taught some students who played instruments that I was not very proficient on myself. How? you might ask. Teaching a person to read notes and learning about rhythm and timing is universal across all instruments. Obviously, if my non-piano or non-violin student advanced beyond my scope of expertise I sent them to someone who could help them better. For the most part, I really enjoyed teaching music. I learned so much myself, but what I learned about myself along the way is that music was probably not my true calling in life. I found as time went by that I enjoyed helping and listening to people more than actually teaching them about note values and theory.

Very early on in my music teaching career, I became more of a Counselor than a Teacher. People told me all sorts of things that I’m sure that they didn’t tell everyone else. I learned that people were not really who they presented themselves to the world. Most people project an illusion, a make-believe version of themselves. They do it for all kinds of reasons. I suppose that all of us have done it at one time or another. I became privy to the most intimate thoughts and feelings of many of my students and most of the time they had nothing to do with music. For instance, one of my students divulged to me about her husband’s alcohol abuse and his subsequent physical and emotional abuse of her and their children when he was drunk. Another student told me about her parents’ fights after her father became abusive due to alcohol and drugs. Others would tell me about their problems and their worries, their everyday struggles. Sometimes 15-20 minutes would go by and we would realize that the student hadn’t played one note on their instrument. Many people told me over the years about how easy it was for them to talk to me and after talking with me they felt better about themselves. I ended up becoming their Counselor/Life Coach way more than a Music Teacher. I used to wonder why so many people came to me when I had just as many problems as they did, but then sometimes I realized how fortunate my life had been compared to theirs.

It is true that I was gifted with a talent for music, but it isn’t my calling. I’ve always hated performing in front of people and trust me, I’ve performed ALOT. It has never gotten easier. In some ways as I’ve gotten older, it feels like the pre-performance nerves have gotten worse. I do enjoy playing music with others and I don’t mind recording music too much, but put me up in front a bunch of people and I freeze. I have to remind myself to breathe. My fingers feel like they don’t want to move, feel like they are two sizes too big and clumsy.

Now it has taken me many years to finally get to the point where I am pretty confident in knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I have had some diversions along the way. The worst one was when I decided that I was going to become an Insurance Sales Producer. Haha! I was the absolute worst producer ever. My boss at the State Farm Agency that I worked at told me that she didn’t think insurance sales was for me and I needed to reconsider my choice of career. I had never felt more relieved in my life when that job ended. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess that’s just it…..I wasn’t thinking.

So, after all the hurdles I’ve gone through in this last year alone, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to help people. I want to be an advocate for those who need help. I feel like I have something to contribute. I can definitely think outside the proverbial box and I’m always up for a challenge. I want to help people who specifically find themselves with health challenges. After being there for my Dad as he received his cancer diagnosis and my Mom when she received her Lupus diagnosis, I realized that there are so many others out there who are going through similar, if not worse, situations. Personally, I have gone through many ups and downs with my own health over the last 10 years. So I did something about it and had weight loss surgery four weeks ago today, (if you want to read more about that, here’s the link:

Within the last two years, my grandmother died from Pneumonia and also from a broken heart. Her middle son died just 6 weeks before her and he had lived with her his entire life. He had suffered from several health problems for many years. There have been five family members that I know of that have died due to complications of Diabetes. Many other family members who are still living are having to deal with checking their blood glucose levels everyday and to adjust their medications accordingly. Although it seems that my family is unfortunate enough to have bad genes when it comes to Diabetes, the disease is mostly preventable by changing one’s diet and exercising.

My personal challenge now is to figure out how to help those who are struggling with their health. Lately I’ve been looking into becoming a health coach. I’ve decided that I will not fret over the details. I have learned enough in life to learn to trust my intuition and let Providence lead the way. So now that I’ve shared what my hopes are, what are yours? Are you living the life you want? If not, what can you do to change that? Does anyone else know what your greatest desire is?

For any of you that may be interested, I have another blog on here that is specifically about my weight loss journey. Here is the link:



HolyShilitic! I’m going holistic…………

The more I read about the holistic lifestyle the more I want to say “sign me up!” I’ve wondered for years about the crap that I put into my body even when I’m trying to eat healthily. For instance: did you know that antibacterial soap is probably worse for you than the bacteria that it kills? It’s true. It kills bacteria, not viruses. It not only kills potentially harmful bacteria but all the good bacteria that our bodies need. So what’s the purpose of killing off good bacteria that could possibly help our immune systems when we come into contact with a virus, such as the common cold? Information like this amazes me and prompts me to make changes in my own life. I am not saying that you, the reader, has to jump on the bandwagon and join me. To each their own is my motto. I’m considering this for me and my family. If you think that holistic living is a bunch of crap, then you probably wouldn’t want to continue reading this post. Thanks for stopping by!

My reasons for wanting to live a more holistic lifestyle is based upon my personally witnessing very sick family members who maybe would have had a better quality of life if they had tweaked their diet a bit or maybe got up off the couch every once in a while and did some physical activity outside. I don’t know….maybe it’s bad genes. I, in no way shape or form, am passing any judgement on anyone. Trust me, I know a thing or two about eating crappy food and being sedentary. I have held the Sedentary title for many years. Just call me Queen Sedentary! To be honest with you, I didn’t even consider changing my lifestyle in any way until I was prompted to make changes after receiving questionable blood test results at the doctor’s office a few years ago. Yet, for most of us, fear is what precipitates change.

So……on with this whole topic of holistic-ness…….Just what is this word “holistic,” what does it mean exactly? Well, Mr.Webster defines it thusly: being concerned with wholes or with complete systems rather than with the analysis of and treatment of parts of a system. Basically, look at the whole body rather than its singular parts. Modern western medicine tends to dissect the body when diagnosing and treating disease.

Let’s take the word “dis-ease” and look at its meaning as well. Disease – any deviation from or interruption of the normal structure or function of any body part, organ, or system that is manifested by a characteristic set of symptoms and signs and whose etiology, pathology, and prognosis may be known or unknown. Basically it means any change from the norm.

Now before I get truly technical sounding here, ( I promise there are no more vocabulary words to learn in this post), holistic living simply means that treating, maintaining, or adapting certain practices in one’s lifestyle can produce an overall better quality of life for the whole body, mind and soul. I have been fortunate to have met and had in-depth conversations with people of other cultures throughtout my life. It has been an eye-opening experience for me, but I’ve always been a very curious type of person. I’m usually not satisfied with one answer to a question. I have to research the crap out of it and super complicate everything in my life. It’s my greatest flaw….well, aside from stubbornness.

As I’ve gotten older I have become more conscious of what kind of “footprint” I’m leaving behind for the next person. I hate using that word “footprint” but it’s the only one I can think of right now. Some might ask, “why bother?” My question is, “why not?”

I’ve decided that I will implement some type of holistic approach into my life everyday. Today, I did something very insignificant to most of you, but it’s a start. I found a recipe on the internet to make foaming hand soap. I refuse to buy antibacterial soap any more for my family to use. To be completely frugal, however, I have taken all the scrap pieces of soap that get so small that no one wants to use them anymore, and melted them down and now there is one huge glob of chemical-laden commercial soap sitting in a mold. I know, I know… steps People, baby steps. I have to be practical. I’ve been using said soap for years so a few more days aren’t going to cause me to lose sleep. However, before the soap supply diminishes completely I am going to make some organic, homemade soap for the Fam to use. Hopefully their skin will thank me one day.

I have tweaked the recipe a bit. I can’t take complete credit for this, but here is the recipe:

Hand Soap

Distilled or boiled water.

Liquid Castille Soap or whatever organic soap base you can find.

1/2 teaspoon olive, almond or coconut oil.

Essential oils – I like lavender, but you use whatever you want or leave it unscented.


Fill a soap dispenser with water to about 1 inch from the top. Add about 2 tablespoons of liquid castille soap to the water mixture. Then add the olive, almond or coconut oil. Add essential oils of your choosing. Cover the top of the dispenser and shake. Use at your discretion.

As soon as I make my own. I will post a photo. Hopefully, you will become so inspired by the above that you will run out and start making your own hand soap. It’s healthier for you AND cheaper to make. Your bank account will thank you.

So, that’s about enough for today. That’s all I’ve got peeps!

Until next time……Peace & Love, may you find it, embrace it and spread it around!


So What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve asked myself this question, I would be ONE rich woman! My problem isn’t that I don’t have any ideas. My problem is that I want to do everything in this one life and there is no possible way I will be able to do everything, but then again, I am not one who backs down from a challenge. If there is such a thing as karma, it’s like somehow someway I have determined that this is my last life and I had better make it count. I’ve got to squeeze everything I’ve ever wanted to do in this current life. To be honest, I really have tried many things, but there are so many more I can’t wait to try. So what’s next?

I recently came upon a post on YouTube about finding your passion and pursuing it as a career. I can’t remember her name, but what she had to say made so much sense to me. She explained that finding one’s passion can be as simple as looking to the thing/things that have caused one to stumble or struggle. The idea is that if you have had to struggle with something in your life and you have overcome it then you definitely have the makings of finding your passion of what to do with your life. Obviously, if you are the sort of person that enjoys helping others then this method is perfect, but what about all of you out there who feels as if you want to do something a little more self-centered. There is nothing wrong with doing something that makes only you happy. “To each their own” is my motto. I happen to be more philanthropically inclined. Wow – say that three times!

Finding one’s passion is only relative to the person who is searching said passion. What makes my heart skip a beat is most likely something that is completely different from yours, as it should be. What would the world be like if all of us were alike? Pretty boring, in my humble opinion. I don’t happen to think that all of us are completely bereft of ideas. I think the overall problem is lack of self-confidence to really put forth an effort in pursuing one’s passion. So why are there so many people walking around with such low self-esteem? And, why do others seem to have an abundance? Does the answer stem from the whole nurture versus nature discussion? I don’t know.

Human behavior is something that intrigues me greatly. I have been a silent watcher of people my entire life. For whatever reason, I developed an uncanny sense of interpreting body language and all the other little nuances of non-verbal communication from a very early age. Some who are very close to me have explained that they believe I am a “Sensitive.” Yeah, I know, some of you really don’t believe in all that psycho mumbo jumbo. Neither did I. So many weird things have happened around me my entire life that I’ve finally gotten to the point where I just observe what happens without judging it first. Most so-called “supernatural” occurrences can be explained logically and rationally.  A very small percentage of instances can actually be considered paranormal in nature. However, I digress. Back to the original topic.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

1. Do you want to do something to give back to society? Consider becoming a Nurse, Doctor or Teacher. Or find a career in Social Work.

2. Look at your hobbies. What do you spend all your free time doing? Is painting your thing? Why not pursue Art. Photography? Develop whatever your interests and hobbies are into a profitable business?

3. Do you love the outdoors and can’t wait to spend every waking moment outside? How about becoming a tour guide? A survival expert? Open an outfitter store?

4. Do you love to work with your hands? Become a Designer or a Car Mechanic or a Carpenter.

5. Do you daydream about creating a better world through recycling and eco-friendly  sustainable energy? Go to school and learn all about Environmental Science and all the ways that you can make a difference in this emerging field.

6. Are you more of an inside person? Computers your thing? Become a Web Designer or a Systems Analyst or a Software Engineer.

7. Are you highly creative? Become an Author, Actor, Artist or Professional Musician.

Whatever your heart’s desire – do it! Don’t think about what anyone else is doing. Be your own person and don’t ever allow anyone else to squash your dreams. Do yourself a favor and never compare yourself to anyone else. We are all different and all of us have something to contribute, however big or small. Who says that you have to do something BIG? I really believe that each of us have some talent or innate skill that we can build upon and master and then share with the world. My Mother always told me as a child, “whatever you do in life, do your best. Don’t be lazy and don’t expect anyone else to do for you what you can do for yourself.” Wise words indeed.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?


Lucid Dreaming

I close my eyes and I see nothing but black. Then, little by little, I see a small sliver of light creeping across the foreground of my visual field. I look into the light and see my grandmother, but more like I see her spirit. Her physical body is distinctly different from when I last saw her lying in her casket last April. She is all-consuming light and ethereal. It seems as if she suddenly appears out of the nothingness. She is smiling and a low glow emanates from her every pore. She visits me and without saying the words lets me know that she is happy, although the word happy does not do justice to the feelings I pick up from her. In this “dream world” there is no need for words. We can speak directly to each other’s souls. She still has silvery white hair, but there is a youthfulness to her face that I never knew. She is peace personified. She is lovely in all ways that the word can possibly convey.

She comes up to me and suddenly I am mute. I can’t speak. I want to ask her so many questions, but the sheer beauty of her soul is ever-consuming my mind. I just want to bask in the feelings that are exuding from her. It’s like floating in water without any regard for sound or feeling but a hundred thousand times better. In that moment I am overwhelmed with happiness in getting to see her but I’m also filled with sadness because she is no longer here on Earth.

Before I can put two thoughts together she begins to show me how she sees me. It is like looking in the mirror, but I hardly recognize myself. The person staring back at me is beautiful. There is a spark in my eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time. What ever happened to the light within me? What caused me to lose that spark? I don’t notice the difference until I see myself. I look up and she is closer to me. Love is bubbling over as she looks at me. It is at that moment I ask her a question. “What am I going to do? I am a 40-year-old single mother with three boys?” The only words that she says to me in the entire interaction are five words. “Stay away from French men.,” she warns. She turns as if she is going to leave. “Wait!” I say. Before I can even think about what she has said, she turns around and smiles again looking behind me. I look behind me and suddenly see that there is a man who seemingly appears from nowhere. I can’t see him clearly because I don’t want to stop looking at her. I’m afraid she will leave so I only see him in my peripheral vision. He has dark hair and blue eyes. He is looking at me with unconditional love. I’m taken aback by the intensity. When he looks at me I feel vulnerable as if he can see straight to my soul. It doesn’t scare me. I feel a complete and unconditional love emanating from him to me.

She smiles at me one more time and also at the man behind me as if she approves of him or maybe she has sent him to me, I don’t know. Then she fades away and she is gone, but I don’t feel empty. There is someone else with me who loves me just as I am. I “wake” up feeling forlorn but happy that I got to see her again, if only in my dreams……

My next thought is wondering what she meant about my staying away from French men and then like a light bulb switching on it makes perfect sense. My husband is from French descent. My grandmother, when she was alive,  knew about some of the problems that my husband and I have had over the years. She never said anything outright negative about him while she was alive, but I knew how she felt about him. She and I had a special connection. She didn’t have to say the words. I just knew……..

So the eternal question is, did I have a dream? was my subconscious trying to work something out during sleep and dreaming about my grandmother was simply subjective to what my mind has been trying to tell me? or…..did she visit me during sleep? Furthermore, who was the guy standing behind me? Why was he behind me? I don’t know but it doesn’t feel like a typical dream. I can remember all the details as if I really experienced it. It’s also very interesting that I spoke to her of being a single mother when in fact I am married and have been for 20 years. I suppose that maybe this “dream” will make sense at some later point in my life or then again, maybe it will always remain as a highly lucid dream……….. whatever it means – it was wonderful seeing her again, if only in my dreams.